Is the Authoritative Parenting Style Always the Best for Children?

 

Today, the authoritative parenting style is perceived as the golden standard for appropriate parent-chid interactions. For the most part, I am an authoritative parent; however, there are definitely times when the authoritarian style of parenting switches “on” in me. This could be because of my own family-of-origin experiences being raised by the typical, Asian Indian authoritarian father. It could also be because I prioritize different socialization goals for my children. I want them to be respectful of their parents and not question everything that they are asked to do. I want them to be raised within the culture of respect.

However, based on overwhelming consensus in Western society, parents should strive to be authoritative for the best future outcomes for their children. As a result, I am often left feeling like a bad parent who should not be saying things like “Because I said so…” or “Don’t question me right now…” or “Just do what I said…”

I decided to reveal some of the complexities and nuances when it comes to how culture influences parenting styles. When it comes to European American children, the authoritative parenting style is linked to better academic outcomes. However, for Asian American children this is not as relevant; since the research shows that the authoritarian style of parenting also leads academic success.

Yet, I  believe that they authoritative style of parenting is still beneficial for all children, regardless of culture. While, there may be times that we want to parent in an authoritarian way to promote particular socialization goals such as respect—I argue that Asian American children need authoritative parenting  for emotional and social development.

Background on Parenting Styles

The parenting styles emerged in the early 1960s by psychologist Diane Baumrind. Through her extensive research on parent-child relationships, she noted that parents often fell into authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive styles of parenting. Based on these different parenting styles, children also had different outcomes.

The authoritarian style is characteristic of parents who are high in control/ demandingness and low in warmth/responsiveness towards their child.  Authoritarian parents want obedient children who do not ask questions. The phrase that is often used is “Because I said so…” They have a set of fixed rules and standards that children need to abide by and they may use physical punishment with children who do not listen. Parents do not reason or negotiate with their children when creating or enforcing rules. As a result, the research shows that children are not encouraged to think for themselves or to think critically (Baumrind, 1966).

On the other hand, permissive parents are low in control/demandingness and high in warmth/responsiveness towards their children. Permissive parents want to be friends with their children. They do not have consequences for when their child misbehaves and for the most part, allow their children to regulate their own activities.  As a result, children do not have the opportunity to develop important skills that are needed for future success in life. Parents do not set expectations for their children, and thus, they are not giving the opportunity to practice skills such as, self control. These children are the least self-reliant, curious, and self-controlled (Baumrind, 1966).

Thus, the research points to authoritative parenting practices as the best way to parent because it leads to the best outcomes for children. It takes the best dimensions of the two parenting styles described above. The parenting style is described as high in warmth/responsiveness and high in control/demandingness. With this approach, parents provide reasonable limits for their child while also being responsive to their needs. Parents use reasoning when reinforcing rules; thus, children know the rationale behind the rules and expectations that are set for them and can exchange in a verbal give and take with their parents. Parents listen to their child’s objections and based on the situation may be flexible with what is expected of them. The research shows that children of parents who use this approach are more self-reliant, self-controlled, content, and curious about learning and exploring the environment (Baumrind, 1966). In addition, they have a happier disposition to life, well developed social skills, and better academic outcomes (Baumrind, 1966).

When Culture Intersects with Parenting Styles

However, much of the research on parent-child relationships has been conducted using Western populations.  As a result, recommendations made on “best parenting practices” may not apply to families from culturally diverse backgrounds. For European Americans the authoritative parenting style is associated with closeness and emotional ties between the parent and the child, which in turn promotes better academic outcomes.

Researchers have found that the authoritative parenting style may not be as relevant to Asian American populations. The research has found that the authoritative parenting style does not matter for Asian American families in terms of educational outcomes. Many Asian American families who employ an authoritarian style of parenting have children who do well in school and have achieved academic success. Thus, some say that the authoritarian approach is not as detrimental as many may believe.

The authoritarian approach is used by parents from different cultural backgrounds because they may prioritize different socialization goals for their children. Research suggests that some Asian American parents use an authoritarian parenting style because they prioritize respect over closeness with their child. Through an authoritarian approach, these parents promote the importance of parental control, the need to work hard, to be self-disciplined and to do well in school. Thus, research suggests that it is important to look into qualities such as respecting parents when thinking about school success for Asian American children.

Why Authoritative Parenting Is Needed for Asian American Children

When looking at parenting styles and school performance, authoritative parenting is not the only parenting style that is associated with school success.  However, as a parent, educator and researcher, I believe that it is important to take a look at the whole child. Researcher Desiree Qin notes that that many Asian American children deal with an adjustment/achievement paradox: Asian American children have high levels of academic achievement but low levels of psychological and social adjustment. Thus, it is important for parents to meet the emotional needs of their children.  It is important to note that the authoritarian parenting style has also been equated with children having poor social skills, anxiety, depression and poor self-esteem. Research studies have also found that Asian American children aremore likely to experience depression and thoughts of suicide due to problems that originate with their families.

While every parent may prioritize different goals for their children, it is important to remember that we need to put the academic, social, emotional, and cultural needs of our children first. The interactions that we have with our children are shaping the skills they acquire (e.g., reasoning, negotiating, critical thinking) and who they become (e.g., self-confident, responsible, curious, social, respectful individuals).

 

 

 

Raising Bicultural Children: Being Indian, Being American

It is very challenging to raise children who are a part of two (or more) cultures. This notion of being between cultures is difficult to think, talk, or write about. However, the research shows that children who are able to identify with their bicultural identity—their culture (being Indian) and the culture of mainstream society (being American) experience less confusion, isolation, and alienation in school and in life. They are more self-confident and perform better in schools than children who reject one of their cultures. Children who can learn the American culture without losing their Indian heritage have a much better understanding of the world that they live in.

In many Asian families, parents tend to stick to preserving Eastern cultural values. With this in mind, many times, they fail to acknowledge the messages their children may be receiving about the Western culture from school. This often leads to a generational and cultural gap among Asian parents and their children. Many Asian American children feel that their parents expectations are outdated and/or unrealistic. When their children do not listen, Asian American parents feel as though they are too Westernized and that they do not know how to show respect to their elders. Often times, it is merely miscommunication on both ends. It is important to have conversations around what it means to be Eastern and/or Western. When these conversations do not occur in the house, children are often left to make up their own minds about what this means to them and their parents. Children need to have a space to talk about how they are making sense of their bicultural identity and the different messages they are receiving in their lives.

Asian parents tend to place an emphasis family, collectivity, and gender roles. Asian parents often emphasize making decisions for the larger good of the family. However, the Western culture places an emphasis on the individual and being independent. In this way, the values of collectivity vs. individuality are in direct contrast with one another. In schools, children are often told to make decisions based on self-interest. Many Asian American children discuss the intense pressure they feel to choose a career in the STEM Fields (Science, Technology, Engineering and/or Math) or Business regardless of their self-interest or aptitude for that profession.  Furthermore, Indian women are often closely monitored and receive less freedom than men because their roles are tied to the honor or izaat of the family. Women are viewed as central to preserving the cultural traditions of their family. Yet, in schools, they are told that they are equal to men and should not be treated differently.

Unfortunately, these cultural conflicts have led to higher rates of suicide for Asian Americans. Asian Americans are much more likely to commit suicide than the average American. In the end, because conversations about what it means to be Indian and to be American have not occurred in many households—many Indian American children feel like they cannot please their parents or themselves. As a result, they feel alienated and withdrawn from both their cultures, their families, and their peers.

It is important to acknowledge that many children don’t have a clear understanding of what it means to be “Indian” and “American” because there is no fixed definition of this and each family will have their own views and/or thoughts about this. Through conversations, children can begin to understand how they can be part of both cultures. Some parts of their culture are observable, such as dress, language, food, fashion, and the media (e.g., hollywood/bollywood). However, other parts are more abstract, such as the values that stem from each culture.

There will be circumstances or situations in which they will place a value on the greater good of their family and other situations in which they may choose to do something because of their self-interest. It doesn’t mean they are less “Indian” or less “American” because of their choices. It only means that they have figured out what it means to be an Indian-American by negotiating between the hyphen and as a result, they are able to make more thoughtful decisions.

Helping our children develop an understanding of their bicultural identity will help them make better choices in their lives. By developing a bicultural identity, children are able to pick and choose from both cultures that are apart of their lives.  They learn to negotiate values that significantly vary and contrast with one another. This provides them with a very unique vantage point.  Children must constantly negotiate and re-negotiate what it means to live in-between two different worlds. Through this process, children will learn how to make decisions more confidently and with a better understanding of who they are and who they want to be.