Tiger Parenting & the Multiple Dimensions of “Shame” in Asian American Households

For Tiger parents, the belief that academic achievement reflects successful parenting is at the center of what drives parenting behavior. Parents prioritize academic achievement for their children because they believe it is a reflection of whether they are perceived of as good parents in society. In order to accomplish this goal parents may use different dimensions of Eastern and Western parenting styles, such as monitoring their child’s activities, controlling their child’s behavior, or using forms of psychological control such as shaming to get their child to achieve the desired academic results.

Where does the tiger parenting profile fit in? We all know the classic western parenting styles: permissive, authoritative, authoritarian and neglectful. The styles  range from having more warmth (permissive) to having more control (authoritarian). With the most favorable style of parenting being a balance between warmth and control (authoritative). However, tiger parenting is a unique style of parenting that includes more dimensions than parenting between warmth and control; thus, it takes into consideration the culturally rooted dimensions of parenting.

Researchers have found that while tiger parenting does exist in Asian American households, it is not the most common style of parenting and does not have the best outcomes for children. Tiger parenting is often described as merger between authoritative and authoritarian. Many Asian American parents are “authoritative and psychologically controlling” (Chan, Bowes & Wyver, 2009). Many use the concept of shaming to guide students towards acceptable behavior. However this dimension is absent from the classic Western parenting styles. Some research suggests that some degree of shaming plays a role in authoritative or supportive parenting for Asian American parents. However, in extreme cases of shaming, such as tiger parenting, it can also lead to negative outcomes for children.

Many Asian American parents pressure their children to internalize feelings of shame for not conforming to the expectations that are set by their parents. But they go about this is different ways. In some cases shaming is used to compare children to one another. Parents may use shaming to point out children who are bad examples or to point out children who are successful. Parents may also use shame to make it clear to children that their actions affect the whole family. They make it known that their actions should bing honor and respect to the family. This type and degree of shaming is closely linked to authoritative or supportive styles of parenting than permissive or easy going parenting.

However, parents may also use shaming as a form of emotional abuse. In Amy Chua’s article, her father called her “garbage” for disrespecting her mother. This form of extreme shaming is often used in the tiger parenting profile. Unfortunately, using shame in this way has led many Asian American children to experience the achievement/adjustment paradox. Researchers notes that adolescents whose parents fit the tiger parenting profile often have high levels of academic achievement but low levels of psychological adjustment. Ultimately, it is important to understand the multiple dimensions that are involved in parenting styles, to what degree they are used, and the types of effects they have on children.

Many second-generation Asian American parents are learning how to parent between Eastern and Western styles of parenting. They may have grown up in a typical Eastern family in which their fathers were the disciplinarians and used an authoritarian/tiger parenting style of parenting.  However, in the West, it is emphasized that we use a more authoritative approach that allows for us to reason and negotiate with our children. Today, I have a better understanding of when and how I should use shaming and whether or not is necessary for me to use it to achieve desired socialization goals with my children. Does it help for me to point out good behavior in other children? Or does it contribute to my child having low levels of self-esteem? These are the types of questions Asian American parents should ask when they find themselves in-between Eastern and Western styles of parenting.

Is the Authoritative Parenting Style Always the Best for Children?

 

Today, the authoritative parenting style is perceived as the golden standard for appropriate parent-chid interactions. For the most part, I am an authoritative parent; however, there are definitely times when the authoritarian style of parenting switches “on” in me. This could be because of my own family-of-origin experiences being raised by the typical, Asian Indian authoritarian father. It could also be because I prioritize different socialization goals for my children. I want them to be respectful of their parents and not question everything that they are asked to do. I want them to be raised within the culture of respect.

However, based on overwhelming consensus in Western society, parents should strive to be authoritative for the best future outcomes for their children. As a result, I am often left feeling like a bad parent who should not be saying things like “Because I said so…” or “Don’t question me right now…” or “Just do what I said…”

I decided to reveal some of the complexities and nuances when it comes to how culture influences parenting styles. When it comes to European American children, the authoritative parenting style is linked to better academic outcomes. However, for Asian American children this is not as relevant; since the research shows that the authoritarian style of parenting also leads academic success.

Yet, I  believe that they authoritative style of parenting is still beneficial for all children, regardless of culture. While, there may be times that we want to parent in an authoritarian way to promote particular socialization goals such as respect—I argue that Asian American children need authoritative parenting  for emotional and social development.

Background on Parenting Styles

The parenting styles emerged in the early 1960s by psychologist Diane Baumrind. Through her extensive research on parent-child relationships, she noted that parents often fell into authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive styles of parenting. Based on these different parenting styles, children also had different outcomes.

The authoritarian style is characteristic of parents who are high in control/ demandingness and low in warmth/responsiveness towards their child.  Authoritarian parents want obedient children who do not ask questions. The phrase that is often used is “Because I said so…” They have a set of fixed rules and standards that children need to abide by and they may use physical punishment with children who do not listen. Parents do not reason or negotiate with their children when creating or enforcing rules. As a result, the research shows that children are not encouraged to think for themselves or to think critically (Baumrind, 1966).

On the other hand, permissive parents are low in control/demandingness and high in warmth/responsiveness towards their children. Permissive parents want to be friends with their children. They do not have consequences for when their child misbehaves and for the most part, allow their children to regulate their own activities.  As a result, children do not have the opportunity to develop important skills that are needed for future success in life. Parents do not set expectations for their children, and thus, they are not giving the opportunity to practice skills such as, self control. These children are the least self-reliant, curious, and self-controlled (Baumrind, 1966).

Thus, the research points to authoritative parenting practices as the best way to parent because it leads to the best outcomes for children. It takes the best dimensions of the two parenting styles described above. The parenting style is described as high in warmth/responsiveness and high in control/demandingness. With this approach, parents provide reasonable limits for their child while also being responsive to their needs. Parents use reasoning when reinforcing rules; thus, children know the rationale behind the rules and expectations that are set for them and can exchange in a verbal give and take with their parents. Parents listen to their child’s objections and based on the situation may be flexible with what is expected of them. The research shows that children of parents who use this approach are more self-reliant, self-controlled, content, and curious about learning and exploring the environment (Baumrind, 1966). In addition, they have a happier disposition to life, well developed social skills, and better academic outcomes (Baumrind, 1966).

When Culture Intersects with Parenting Styles

However, much of the research on parent-child relationships has been conducted using Western populations.  As a result, recommendations made on “best parenting practices” may not apply to families from culturally diverse backgrounds. For European Americans the authoritative parenting style is associated with closeness and emotional ties between the parent and the child, which in turn promotes better academic outcomes.

Researchers have found that the authoritative parenting style may not be as relevant to Asian American populations. The research has found that the authoritative parenting style does not matter for Asian American families in terms of educational outcomes. Many Asian American families who employ an authoritarian style of parenting have children who do well in school and have achieved academic success. Thus, some say that the authoritarian approach is not as detrimental as many may believe.

The authoritarian approach is used by parents from different cultural backgrounds because they may prioritize different socialization goals for their children. Research suggests that some Asian American parents use an authoritarian parenting style because they prioritize respect over closeness with their child. Through an authoritarian approach, these parents promote the importance of parental control, the need to work hard, to be self-disciplined and to do well in school. Thus, research suggests that it is important to look into qualities such as respecting parents when thinking about school success for Asian American children.

Why Authoritative Parenting Is Needed for Asian American Children

When looking at parenting styles and school performance, authoritative parenting is not the only parenting style that is associated with school success.  However, as a parent, educator and researcher, I believe that it is important to take a look at the whole child. Researcher Desiree Qin notes that that many Asian American children deal with an adjustment/achievement paradox: Asian American children have high levels of academic achievement but low levels of psychological and social adjustment. Thus, it is important for parents to meet the emotional needs of their children.  It is important to note that the authoritarian parenting style has also been equated with children having poor social skills, anxiety, depression and poor self-esteem. Research studies have also found that Asian American children aremore likely to experience depression and thoughts of suicide due to problems that originate with their families.

While every parent may prioritize different goals for their children, it is important to remember that we need to put the academic, social, emotional, and cultural needs of our children first. The interactions that we have with our children are shaping the skills they acquire (e.g., reasoning, negotiating, critical thinking) and who they become (e.g., self-confident, responsible, curious, social, respectful individuals).

 

 

 

“Time-Outs” or “Cool-Offs”? In-between Eastern & Western Parenting Styles

I recently went to a seminar in Mountain View on Children’s Anger by early childhood specialist Sue Dinwiddie who helps parents understand their child’s anger and how to constructively respond to their child.

I learned a lot from this seminar about not only why my three-year old son gets angry, but also about myself as a parent and how I respond to his anger.  As an South Asian American parent, I am often caught in-between the Amy Chua “kids should be told what to do” style of parenting and the more Western way of “letting kids be kids” style of parenting. I also believe that there is not just one style of parenting and that while people may claim to be on one side or the other—the reality is that they probably have multiple styles of parenting based on the situation or circumstance.

For this seminar, the basic gist was that children should be able to show their emotions in a safe place and parents should help their children recognize and be aware of their emotions. From my own experiences growing up, I know that talking about “emotions” is not a common topic of conversation in many Asian households. However, being in the field of education, I know how important it is for children to be able to name their emotion such as if they are happy, sad, mad, frustrated, etc. Children often show anger when they are really feeling another emotion. This is because anger is really a secondary emotion that is based on a primary emotion. As a result, children often show anger after having a primary emotion such as feeling frustrated or sad about something.

Another big take-away from this seminar was that children should be allowed to cry, have tantrums, and/or show their emotions in an area that is safe. They should not be punished for showing anger or be sent to a “time out” area. She explained how as adults we know that it is unrealistic to expect every person to be in a happy, chirpy mood all the time. So why do we expect this of our children or punish them for showing it?

She recommended a “cool-off” area with a beanbag and books for children to go to and release their emotions.  For children who cannot sit still, she also noted that the “cool-off” area could be painting on an easel or throwing balls outside—whatever helps the child release their energy and calm down. Once they are calm, parents can have a conversation with their child about how they were feeling (by helping them name the emotion) and by acknowledging their emotion.  From there, parents can talk about their child’s reaction and what to do for next time the child feels that way, possible solutions, etc.

After going to this seminar, I tried to stay away from the “time outs” and attempted to create a calming, soothing “cool-off” area.  However, what I found was happening was a little bit of both: an initial “time out” that slowly, but surely, turned into a “cool off”! When my three-year old son was really upset, he did not just want to merrily walk over to cool-off area. Because he was being sent somewhere for crying or having a tantrum, he still associated any area of our home (where he was being sent) as a time out area. So I found myself having to close the door to get him to stay in the “cool-off” area. So, as you can imagine, it wasn’t a very comforting or soothing place at all! He eventually realized that he had to stay in the room until he got a book out to read.  It was interesting because he only got the book out after he stopped crying. So as soon as he had finished releasing his energy, he would sit down and start browsing through his books, page by page.  Sometimes, he even forgot why he was crying and would ask me to come read a story to him. Other times, he just called out to me to say that he was “ok now” and that we could have our talk.

I’m hoping that as he gets older he will go into the room without the “time-out that turns into a cool-off” routine…but at the same time I know that parenting is never really about doing things one way all the time. I definitely do not have a Eastern or Western way of parenting, but am in-between the two cultures. I basically pick and choose based on what is working! Parenting about looking out for your child, providing them with the skills they need to be independent, and helping them figure out the world around them. I think parents know their child best and they know what will or will not work with their child. Parenting is always about being creative, resourceful, and doing what works. Hats off to all the parents out there— it is a difficult but rewarding job!